So this every 2 months updating kinda sucks but ya know.. me and Eric are still together. And its going pretty good. I'm down to 157 and its the smallest I've been in over 3 years. I'm not sure if I've gone down a pants size at all. But who knows my perception of myself is fucked up. I think I'm prolly gonna matain here for a while only because I eat maybe once or twice a day. I need motivation in every aspect of life. I have no idea what I want to do and it kinda sucks...

today is saturday march 5, 2012

wow. it really is. that's kinda crazy.. so since i haven't been on here since the new... i'll just babble about that for a second.

on new years eve. shit changed.. kinda like a switch flipped.

2012-

Will be mine.

Will be good.

Will be the year of losing people.

Will be the year to grow

And 2012 will be the year i get outta freeport.

I've been acting more confident, playing more mind games, and getting what i want. Me and corey are no longer together at all.. i actaully barely talk to him and it's my choice. i decided i couldn't be with someone who made me feel like complete and total shit all the time. he would talk my body up.. but talk me down... tell me how shitty i was treating him when i went outta my way for him. i couldn't do it. i hate myself way more then enough to be putting up with that from someone who wants to marry me. I realized im young.. and kinda attractive to other people.. so i called it quits and then started talking to this guy named kyle whos in the army.. he is a dick and a ho. 

that's where december 31 2011 comes in.. so we had been talking.. planning on fucking. and we had talked before he left to go to the army.. and when he came home on christmas leave we just kinda picked up where we left it... ish... i found out there was this other chick he was talking to the whole time he was gone after a whole bunch of bullshit... long story short we decided we were gonna bring in the new year with a bang.... together.. i walk into my friends house that he was staying.. slightly drunk and excited.. to find orangeville.... a girl... and ex of his actaully... attached to his hip... this here killled me.. see people say oh he is a playa... yeah.. yeah he is.. but he said shit to be.. like deep shit. he cried in front of me holding on to me the night before he left the 1st time in october saying i don't want to leave you blah blah blah.. i'd make you mine but i'm leaving that's not fair to you.. dude has his game now. and now his girlfriend might be pregnant.. HA BITCH that's what you get!

But that fucked me up.. next thing i knew i didn't give a fuck. i figured hey people are atracted to me.. let me actually try to look good and see what happens.. so i did. now i got a girlfriend... we'll shes been my girlfriend through it all but we are gonna get married and shit sometime... and i got another guy.. ish.. we aren't together with a label.. but man we act like it... it's nice.. the last 3 months i've changed.. alot.. i still kinda have my ED.. i'm to the point where i can't feel hunger anymore which is nice. i'm down to like 163 is... my lowest weight is 162 so it's nice... but i feel like i still look like i did at 198 and shit.. i just want to lose it all... this new guy... we'll call him E. is tall and skinny and has amazing blue eyes. and it hot. one of my friends ex's. yeah but shes a bitch and cheated on him all the time and he still stayed with her for like 2 years... but he is into the music thing hardcore.. he djs, produces, makes video. like admits to being a nerd but it's all like music tech nerd shit.. and its hot! he wants me to dance in front of his green screen for shadow dancing videos and i'm just like no way dude... cause you still get to see me naked. like naw! my shirt has been on everytime we've had sex... let me lose my belly and then maybe... i could talk about him forever but i won't..

just figured i'd let you few that care to read that i am ok... i'm surviving in this shithole town... but i do plan on leaving and i hope before the summer.. cause oh yeah E is 28 and has 3 kids.... i'm 18... with none.. i don't know if i can play mommy for the summer....

keeping track of my weight is hard seeing as though my ex still has my scale. i feel like i've been doing good. i fasted sunday unintentionally but it felt so good to feel that hungry. other then that i've been eating about once a day. either some cheese its or what my mom makes for dinner if i'm home. i kinda have a new guy already, except not because he leaves on monday to go into the army. and he is slightly a whore. but idk it seems different with me. but i'm sure he makes every girl feel that way. he kinda was my "best friends" fuck buddy but.. he got annoyed with her and i got single and he's liked me for a while. i love the way he touches me though. he actually makes me think he cares. but he is just a sweet talking trying to get laid before he leaves. but i told him striaght up that he wasn't getting it from me before he left, and he was like we'll see, i'm good at getting what i want. and there was such a slim chance of him getting it, until my stupid period started because i don't know how to keep up with my birth control. UGH!!! i heard he gave really good head, and i wanted some!!! haha i'm a terrible person.

thanks guys you keep me sane.